Ty's Thoughts...

New Years Blues "Mistakes" (2012-01-03)

2012-01-16T10:23:00.001-08:00

New Years Blues “Mistakes”

I think I have New Years Blues because I feel at the end ofevery year I reflect on the year passing and the things I have been through. Ithink the title comes from the fact that in recent months I have had some awfuldreams and it makes me think I have made some mistakes and in my head and heartI feel as if I need to own these mistakes embrace the wrong, the pain take itin stride and also see the good and the joy I have got from these “TradeMistakes” or “Beautiful Mistakes.”

I got a couple of songs that came to mind in this moment “TradeMistakes” by a favorite band of mine Panic at the Disco. It is singing abouttrading mistakes with the person in your life, I love that concept what if youcould trade mistakes with them maybe they could understand why you feel the wayyou feel. See things differently if even for a moment. I would like to think itsnot a mistakes just a new opportunity to learn another life experience. Hesings “I may never sleep tonight as long as your still burning bright I’ll stayawake till I trade my mistakes or they fade away.” I love that I differentwould relationships and friendships be if you could just go here babe here aremy mistakes now do you see where I am coming from. Who knows maybe not but Ilove the thought and it just been on my mind because I wish I could get peopleto understand why I am the way I am. But I cant so in some situations it isjust a matter of taking the good from that moment and learn from the bad.

The second comes from an amazing song from Keri Hilson. Idig it may quote the whole first couple lines. “I followed my heart, but everytime I do it gets me lost and left in the dark. I think its clear its time Iguess were just not compatible. You pick me up you put me down you keep meunder the floor.” I love the song it is another line I will quote before I getmy thoughts out. It goes “Better friends then lovers, lets just call it what itis baby what it is, never thought I would say but we were a Beautiful Mistakeit is what it is, you know I’m going to miss you by my side but it is what itis.” I was thrown cause it was liketotally good to hear, you think that in your life experience and in yourrelations with people that you would have gained some wisdom or some kind ofinsight and you don’t you learn something new everyday and every person youmeet or you learn from or teachsomething and that’s what I love about life. It has been a hell of a year andthat is a good thing I take that back a great thing so much has happen and Ilove all that has happen it has been a blessing and I as I write this in theearly hours of 2012 I smile because life could be so different and life hasbeen so different and I miss so many people and I think they know who they are.I just need to say some mistakes are beautiful because in 3 months or 6 monthsthat mistake or miss judgment can surprise you hell in 3 days the change can beall you need to stick it out and make it work. Nothing is perfect but if youfind your right kind of crazy it is worth it and I truly belief it cause I havehad my fair share of crazy. And trust me at this age I think no I know I willnot deal with it, its not worth the stress or heartache. So back to my train ofthought I belief in mistakes I don’t belief in regrets mistakes are doing thesame thing over and over and expecting the same results. I love where I am andI could not ask for better growth and meaning in my life what ever happens I amcontent with knowing hey I tried I did all I could. The only difference is Ibeautiful mistake is major they matter more they have more of an impact so youfeel more if that mistake takes hold of you molds you, consumes you. I am who Iam all the time and it tool some years some growth some hard times and somebull shit but I did it and I love who is in the mirror cause I blamed everyonetill I tool one of my idols message and STARTED WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR andI needed to change before the worldcould (in my eyes at least). I am me now 24/7 and it is such a more peacefuland loving life with meaning and that’s all I could ask for with the new year.

Sohears to 2012 may life bring you beautiful mistakes so you can have thestrength and wisdom to learn, grow, and live through them…

Live, Love, and Dance

“Life is the Sum of Choices You Make”

<3 Ty 2012

Solitude (2011-12-02)

2012-01-16T10:21:00.001-08:00

~Solitary trees, if they grow at all, growstrong.

- Winston Churchill

Solitude is directly defined as loneliness. Superman has his Fortressof Solitude in the Artic it is his alone time to think about the ways of theworld how cool. Some people cant grow alone they need the constant approval andadoration of friends and family or that special someone. I dig it I understandit I applaud it I envy it, because who doesn’t want someone on their sidesomeone dedicated to their cause down for them all the way. And don’t get mewrong those people do help you grow but when does growth become programmedmemory or their agenda, you cease to live you life at that point and turn intotheir version of you to make them happy “When did I become a puppet in my ownlife?” that’s when shit gets real or it stays the same for quite a while. Whatdo you do when you feel like solitude is all you have, is it hard to open up tosomeone new or something new? Maybe its something familiar that has changedslightly. I feel like I need solitary confinement but instead opted for theparty bus LOL. You know it is okay when you make a decision without anyone else’sinput or the input you got is all you needed to move forward with a unusualplan that no one understands but, it seems okay to you. It may end in fire andbrimstone but for now its flowers and candy hahaha sorry I had a flashback.Back on track is solitude good? I don’t know about you guys but I wanted tocheck myself into a home early last year cause I thought I was losing it and Ithought wait free room and board free pills and free food I am in (I’m serious).Thenthey said if you check yourself in your cant check yourself out after 30 days afamily member needed to. So that idea quickly went to hell in a hand basket.But is solitary really good? I believe it is not all the time but in thosemoments in life when your friends or family may not be the best help or thesituation your in is too unique to try and explain. Close the doors put thephone on silent and just play some music that’s my ritual or hell go on acruise ship and don’t check your email or face book but every 10 or so daysboth are awesome. Or for that matter combine them go on a cruise ship closeyour door and play some music and not answer your phone or emails or anythingbut when you want to. I feel like superman had his fortress of solitude becausehe was different then the rest Batman had his bat cave but he also had a butlerand housed tons of lil minions I.e. robin, batgirl, nightwing. Any who I thinkevery person needs that place that no one else can move or invade whenever theywanted I have those places and no one can move those places or move in on thatterritory and that’s what I love about my fortress of solitude its built Fordtough. So basically I just wanted to write about solitary and to finish mythought process just say Solitude is needed in doses but if alone too long youlet life pass you by. So trust me enjoy your me time but also enjoy those timeswith friends because life is about the connections you make in this life…

Farewell (2011-11-20)

2012-01-16T10:02:00.001-08:00

Farewell

Interesting title I love it though it is a very awesomesong it is one of Rihanna’s new songs off her album Talk the Talk. It is prettygreat in the way that she is in love with him and yet she doesn’t want him tostop doing him to be with her and she says “I Hope that you find it on thefirst try”. It is amazing in my world because not many people both men andwoman can make that kind of sacrifice for someone else’s happiness I wanna knowwho wrote it because she says “I don’t wanna be the reason you stay”. I wouldlove to know who wrote this because the lyrics are so mature and real. It is awesomebecause life gives you those moments to hold on to something good or amazingbecause it makes you comfortable or it keeps you safe. I believe the old quoteis soo right if you love something let it go. Personally I love this songbecause at least twice in my life I have had to make that hard decision to notwanna hold no one back or be held back so you leave and does a part of you wishthey would stop you? For me I did wishthey would have spoke up but that never happens the way you see in movies hahahha.I think I love this song because it speaks to me in a way I haven’t heard in awhile she is genuinely happy to see him live his dream and yet so sad she lethim go. I talk about regrets a lot and life being the sum total of choices youmake because I always try to see the light at the end or the silver lining.Lifes too short to have the guilty or regret in you of what if? why didn’t I?If only I. Farewell is a hard pill to swallow when its not what you want orwhat you think you need everyone needs to let go of the things that bind us tothis world family, friends, lovers, and well things because life is fleetingand tomorrow is not promised and today is a gift that’s why its called thepresent. Farewell is not forever sometimes its till next time or I guess I’llsee you next lifetime.

Farewell is a hard concept to hold on too. Some people cantlet go no matter the pain or the circumstance or the length of time. You haveto say farewell at some point people die, friends leave, grow apart whatever thecase farewell goes hand and hand with change. And change is what we all need togrow as people and individually inside us. Life is a balance or give and take,love and lost, up and down, the thing that defines our life or makes life worthliving is the wisdom to know when something is worth having, when to trust, howto love again and the growth to accept the change in our life and take it allin because it could be gone in a instant. To say that its easy to move past ahard farewell is a lie it is difficult but the real difficulty is in acceptingsomething new in your life and the strength to let go of what’s not right infront of you because when that’s leaves I guarantee what you held so tightlytoo will soon leave and loneliness is a hard life to live. Goodbye may be hardno one signs up to get hurt they don’t plan on having to make hard decisionsbut giving the alternative of being completely alone isolated and sad becauseyou couldn’t deal with a farewell or took it too hard or could let go of the pastto move forward goodbye seems so much more easy and relevant.

So I will leave ya with this Farewell is Amazing once youcan appreciate the importance it has on your over all growth.

Live, Love and Dance andnot matter what happens in your life, Life is the Sum of Choices you Make….:D

No Way Please "Take Care" (2011-11-18)

2012-01-16T09:59:00.000-08:00

No Way Please “TakeCare!!!!”

This thing is amazing it is a song by Toni Braxton and thefirst versus I wanna quote. “Will you please let down your wall so I canfinally come on in. See I’m not like all the other girls that you have beenmessing with. See I wanna give you everything will you please accept my heart Iwon’t let anything tear this love apart.” it is a beautiful versus she is openas hell she basically says let down your guard and try to trust again I thinkeveryone should hear the song it is pretty great. The chorus is nice too I willquote it for ya as well LOL. “No Way No How not me not now I’m gonna prove my loveis true breaking your heart is something I wont do.” I think that is awesome itis so good to hear I love the concept the rawness of those lyrics. It is sogreat to feel this song to look at someone and say hey listen I’m not him orher so don’t let me pay for their mistakes. I love that in this song it isgreat because she goes on to say “please let down your wall cause it’s way tohigh to climb.” some things are worth that up hill battle walk, that chance,the fear of something new. Scary is good if it is GOOD. I mean I was looking atpast relationships and I thought why did I fight and argue with some of thesepeople then fall for them then wanna shot myself in the neck later in life. Itsbecause its what I knew, attracted toward me and loved. Wow it is kinda funnywhen I write it down because that is dumb. You are suppose to at least like herbefore you wanna date her. Anywho this is not about that. I would like to thinkand believe everything happens for a reason and that is oh too true. LIFE IS THESUM OF CHOICES YOU MAKE and I cant stress that enough because it holds so true.What if I? How many stories can we start like that I would hope not a lot butin some cases people start that way and it is sad. I love the life I live andthe things I have been blessed with is amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for theworld. People worry about way too much in life, it is time consuming andunproductive and not worth the pain it causes you and others around you. Youlearn from life experiences and you cant learn every lesson in your life timeyou have to listen to friends, mentors, parents, strangers hear their storiesheed the warnings. It has to be hardletting people in after something bad has happen, we all get it in the mist oflife things happen and you think you cant recover but you hear something and itmakes you reassure yourself of life and your decisions.

The second part is the new track by Drake feat. Rhianna Ilove the track it is what I am feeling right now in my life and it is amazingto feel that way. I mean it is so great to be around someone that cares andappreciates all of you without all the BS or judgment in the beginning whoknows what the future holds and that’s okay because tomorrow isn’t promised andthat I know for sure. The song is sick I mean just goggle the lyrics, you allknow I love lyrics so you will love these. They say “ If you let me I’ll takecare of you” it is enough for me but somuch of the song is so true in relationships and situations and I love that about music it can change all thatyou think your mind set and that is cool and Rihanna says “ I know that youhave been hurt by someone else, I can tell by the way you carry yourself. Ifyou let me I will take care of you.” I love that it can be so amazing and soscary at the same time I mean I have heard it all so to be content and happyand genuinely happy is so rare for and I wont say rare I will say not existent.It is different because so many things in these songs stick out and make methink about where I am, where I have been and where I might be, and my questionis does the good out weigh the bad does the thought of something great outweigh the collision of 2 asteroids. Towards the end of the song Drake says this“you don’t say you love me to your friends when they ask you even though weboth know that you do”. and in those lyrics I freak out because ami just thesubstitute or the starting line up. Or am I the replacement til the startingline is better? All valid in my head but am I thinking too much is life soo differentthat I cant make my decisions or am I making my decisions and I am okay with itno matter the outcome., Am I that guy or the other guy, or the good guy or thelonely guy? On any of these titles I am okay with because it has been anamazing journey and the destination is worth the journey where ever thatleads. I will end the this with I willtake care to know that no way will I compromised the things I have learned forlove nor will I take care of someone or something that I don’t 100 percentbelieve. On both notes I am happy and I wish that you all can be so gun hoe asto not care the circumstance and just love and hope to be loved in return. Orto take care of that which is yours no matter the situation be in her or hiscorner and say hey listen I get it your not alone and I am not leaving till youtell me its over, whatever over is. Because you cant finish something until youstart something.

Live, Love and Danceand not matter what happens in your life, Life is the Sum of Choices you Make….

Hope tohear from you all soon :)

Stereo Hearts (2011-10-25)

2011-10-25T00:36:00.001-07:00

Stereo Hearts

Great song new to my ears since I have been back in America and I absolutely love it. I dig the lyrics the metaphors the meaning to me the beat the hook well hell I dig the track and that’s all needs to be said. If anyone knows me they know I love and live through and for music its one lyric that I love its is awesome “I apologize for any skipping tracks the last girl that had me left a couple cracks”. I personally love that he is so honest and upfront hey listen I may be a little damaged. I think it is really a great song with a lot of meaning for it for me cause m heart is a stereo I can recall every song at every moment in my life. Loss my virginity , first dance performance (4 at my elementary school) I wore overalls, graduation, break ups, first flight, first check, first heart break, my mom (Momma Boyz II Men) of course, my first house on my own. I will stop there but I think you get it and this song is a love ballad just saying hey listen hey I think you will like my track and it may only beat for you. How would a girl respond if you said that to her or if it was reverse I think it is super cool. He goes at the beginning “Hear my thoughts in every note, make me your radio, and turn me up when you feel low.” I hate to compare but even in Beyoncé song Radio she actually singing about being in love with music like having a wide scale love affair and I dig it sooo much. The songs are different in meaning in some ways but damn I am a sucker for a good old sad song and Stereo Hearts is that for me right now.
You know I just had one of the best contracts in my life drama free (somewhat) and just an amazing team “You know why”. I t was fun and exciting and just what I needed but I also loved meeting so many new people it was just a great time away far far away. Then Reality hits you OMG what’s next am I unemployed, no car, what the hell am I going to do. I did nothing I played some music around my birthday reflected a bit and life hit me and I didn’t dodge it. I smiled and I am still smiling it has been a great month I thoroughly enjoyed my last cruise, cool new team, missed all my new friends I made, came home and reconnected I mean I didn’t go out and get smashed in Vegas (well not at a night club) but it has been so enjoyable to be happy and not have to excuse myself or lie about it I am happy I was dancing again my liver is still in tack. My Vegas family is even more amazing. It is amazing 7 or 8 blogs’ ago I typed I want to be forgotten and you know it feels damn good to know my real friends remembered me cause I missed them I love you all for all the 1-1 conversations, drinks, shopping, drinks, laughs, drinks, patio with 5 bottles wine. You all are my rocks stars and I miss you already cause I am leaving soon in like days to go back to dancing but I will still be in America you know someone said do you and if they care they will understand. My Stereo is always on and I cant wait to see what happens next. I say this with a smile and confidence I haven’t felt never. “You only live once so get out there and live not for your mom, dad, best friend, boy friend, or girl friend, live for you leave the state, take a vacation, go hard or go home, love, cry, swim in the ocean, sit on the mountain, raise a family, plan the wedding, ask the tough questions, take a leap.” you know the old quote shoot for the moon and if you miss you will land among stars… I am about to leap and I cant wait to chill on the dark side of the moon or Float around with some supernovas either way my life is my choice and I have been taking back for the last 7 months and it feels awesome and it can only get better. Worse case scenario I have learned so much and I am not even 30. Dirty 30 I am coming with a cocktail and board shorts!!!!
Live, Love, Dance,
-I See You…-

A Mountain (2011-10-04)

2011-10-04T10:30:00.001-07:00

~I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand.~
I thought I would start this one off with this quote I saw last night. I believe everyone has a purpose a meaning behind the great design the infinite power, The Universe that guides us. What that is it takes people years to find or they go through their whole life wondering and never find their purpose in life. It is kind of sad and scary when you search and search for your role in the world you never seem to find it. Which in result you always feel lost with no road to go down or no path to take. You that song airplanes I like it’s cool because I know plenty of times I sit on patio or on an open deck and wish on stars and when I see planes I wonder where are they headed I want to go. It is why I do what I do , that feeling of not knowing buying that 1-way ticket to wherever and making it work, or writing that note, sending that e-mail, showing up to that audition. Life can be a mountain of great things or a flash of awful moments small as the grain of sand. The trick is to show up the job you always wanted is right there just show up, the girl of your dreams could be right around the corner just step up to the plate. Rejection is a part of life I figure the worse case scenario is your back to the patio enjoying a glass of wine listening to some music in thought. There is no harm in trying and if you don’t get the result you want dust yourself off and try again. I was talking with my god daughter and she named off 4 things she wanted to do with her life and I told her do them all strive to be all those things why not put them in order and do it. All I wanted to do since I was 12 was Dance around the world and meet people from everywhere and I have. Before that I wanted to be a vet or go to Mars( I still may do this 1), and now I really enjoy writing and its fun so I am doing both I write when I feel like and then I hit the stage so its good. Your purpose has to be your own you cant live for other people because you will always regret what could have been. When I say it in every blog its because it is a reminder for and well it holds so true, ‘LIFE IS THE SUM OF CHOICES YOU MAKE’. I believe we make our own destiny and destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. My mountain is slowly forming and I like the formation it is a little beat, bruised, hurt, but stronger and can take it, it is majestic, and colorful, lush and exotic the power inside cant be moved as quickly as it could before it grew to stand it. I am in love with my mountain it holds secrets that only the right people can unlock. As this old lady told me I am an unclaimed treasure, my purpose has always been clear I just have to believe my mountain will stand the tests of time and go back to being a hill or hump and now I know it can it is like a phoenix rising from its own ashes growing stronger, wiser, and built to last. What your purpose? Are you still looking? Is it too far out your reach? Then built a bridge, climb the ladder, take the flight, write the e-mail and guess what whatever the outcome you come out on top because at least you know you tried and what’s the harm in trying if the alternative is to live in doubt about what life could be like. Grab life by the horns and ride the rollercoaster in the front row so you can see it up close and personal and not in the back seeing flashes of happiness see it first hand and enjoy it. At the end of the day you only live once and what’s the point of living if you not happy…
I will end this post with this quote take from this what you will.

~God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.~

Incomplete Happy Ending (2011-09-24)

2011-09-27T22:36:00.001-07:00

Incomplete Happy Ending

I enjoy writing what is in my head it soothes the woe’s in my world it calms my storm, but a part me of hopes you get it and get something from it. What is my happy ending a family of course which my shock some and some will totally get this, I want a wife who loves every part of me and we get each other in everyway. A daughter who is stunning and talented and knows that she is loved. Which sounds absolutely amazing but life for me could also be completely fulfilled watching my god daughter and god sons get older and become adults attend my friends weddings and showers and anniversary parties and be content being a traveling dancer or choreographer or teacher or public speaker. Both are equally amazing in my eyes and would die a happy pappy if either was my life. But its incomplete my happy ending that is. I was reading lately I know don’t kill me it is very rare only in times of deep thought anyhow I read this amazing quote by T.S. Elliott it reads “I will show you fear in a hand full of dust.” It means we are not actually afraid of dying we fear that no one will notice our absents, that we will disappear without a trace. That is a scary and profound couple of lines, I know I am not scared of dying I have embraced death since I was a teen but the thought of being forgotten, no one at my funeral, no one missing me is kind of sad. I thought a lot about the quote and the future and it resurfaced my senior class motto “Life is a journey not a destination”(Thanks Dee Av). Which is so true I feel the world is missing so many precious moments because they are trying so hard to get to the destination with the journey. Life is meaningless if there is no struggle, pain, joy, happiness, bumps, bruises, hugs, kisses. I think I personally block my happy ending, who knows the reason fear probably what happens when I get all I ever wanted? Do I deserve it, is it real? Am I happy? Those questions go through my head. Its funny right before ever show I stretch listening to music super loud in my ears and while I am in my zone I thank the universe for my gifts and my family and friends and thank it for all that it is because I wouldn’t be without it. Its simple to me being happy it comes natural, then why I am so scared of these Happy Endings and why are they incomplete? Am I frightened at the thought of being alone or no one missing me when I am gone? I am terrified of waking up next to same person until I am gone or them leaving me? I am ultimately worried about things that haven’t happen and if they did then it was a life lesson and I try to take the best from it. In my own head I think who is going to sit around pausing their life while I travel and dance and travel some more. No one will that’s why I am not expecting it to just fall on my lap. I understand the sacrifices I make daily to do what I do and the walls I put up to keep everyone at arms distance so I don’t get hurt. I know I miss so much thinking that way but as some quote said “its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all”. And trust me I have loved however now so many of my friendships and relationships are convenient, shallow, uninteresting, lifeless because who cares anymore. I mean who genuinely cares very few people and they know who they are I love them and I try and tell them as much as I can because with those few people life becomes harder. The incomplete happy ending is father away from me with out some ground work some stability friends who care, family that matters, career worth enjoying. Those things push me to be better do better, and the journey isn’t over. I was watching one of the movies I tend to watch way too much and it says “Destiny is the Bridge you build to the ones you love”. I take that with me along with “Life is the Sum of Choices you Make”. you know when your mom says wait till you get older and life will begin to fly by and well once again you were right mom. I am in my late 20’s now and it is crazy how fast things have happened and how much has happen in that time. We are only on Earth for a brief moment in time and what we do with that time defines us. So my happy ending may be incomplete but I am always optimistic and hopeful.

Unknown (2011-09-12)

2011-09-11T15:47:00.001-07:00

The UNKNOWN it is so well unknown and that is the intrigue the lure the attraction that is so cool to me right now in my life. I just got another year older which means so much has happen in 365 days it isn’t even funny jobs, friends, change life in motion and not stopping along the way just brief pauses. In less then a month I will be unemployed and have so many things to think about dance, life, love, and well life again. It’s not the woes of school, or bad kids, or upset wife or girlfriend, awful job, long hours which be reason to freak or not. I am wondered I my make a bad decision it wouldn’t be the first time but that’s why I am so up in the air. Those so called missteps made me who I am now and I wouldn’t change that even if I could because I would be a different version of me an Alternate Universe Ty (Fringe reference). UNKNOWN is my comfort zone well it used to be now I freak out about rent, bills, money, life, girls, people, weather, clothes. I remember I simpler me unmoved by the world just went with it the Earth turned and I lived in my world which turned flipped, danced, laughed, cried all things that are so forced now why? I freak out about what I cant control I cant control peoples feelings, circumstance it is how I react to these situations that define me(not) because I don’t need a definition but just a reason for being. I am falling in love with the unknown again it is a great feeling I recommend it anyone who needs to jump head first. My amazing mom would tell me and my bro this quote as we were growing up so we wouldn’t let women break our hearts. “Ed Tim jump in feet first so about time you get knee deep you will find out how full of shit she really is, because when you jump in head first its to close to your heart.” Take that leap to the unknown it is scary as hell but worth the pee n your pants LOL. I think I may buy a one way ticket to anywhere and play it by ear or propose to the woman of my dreams, I may live for a bit, dance because it fun. Who knows that’s why they call it the UNKNOWN. I know better then most its hard to say bye I think it gets easier each time but it’s a façade I miss them soo much all of you weather it has been 7 months or 7 years I miss you. If I go off grind accept it, if I get engaged deal with it, if I move to Europe dammit get skype. But embrace the life’s you have they are amazing moms, college grad, beautiful showgirls, awesome dancer, hot wifes, strong, amazing men cheers to you all for living your life’s I love you all. I want to take those leaps those moments of UNKNOWN that changes the way I look at this world that looked so different years ago. Look at it better then I did before and different then I do now, well at the end I start at the beginning the UNKNOWN is intriguing, alluring, scary, and fun if you let HELL if I let it…
-I See You…-

Runaway (2011-08-23)

2011-09-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

~Runaway~

Great little title for the thought process I am in right now. I Dig the meaning the title and the essence of it to me. First it is the title of Janet Jackson hit as well as P!nk’s hit song both of which are on my mind in this moment in my life. I was listening to the song and I realized that I don’t wanna runaway I just need to escape my outer head for a bit. I am loving the space I am in right now it is a much different space then a year ago or even 6 month ago or hell even since I started this contract. So what does Runaway mean to me the actual meaning is the songs in themselves I love it I just wanna go somewhere calm and cool, nice and relaxing I just feel as if it all that I am. I Love the Janet Jackson song its about just going somewhere new and seeing it for what it is “I See You…” sort of speak I love that aspect of it very real very straight forward. Seen the world been to many places I Love the lyrics in it just what it is Runaway alone and enjoying life but missing that element of someone else to share it with. I understand that meaning so much its not funny but I love the other half of the token. P!nk’s version is so different in the fact she want to just get away and be in her zone just her is a great concept to want to make real in your life. To leave everything behind and just wanna get away for whatever reason. I love both concepts so much because I am both these and neither (MindF*ck). I was going to write about destiny but the last couple weeks all I could get on the page was destiny is the bridge to the one you love. That it 3 weeks behind this laptop that’s all I had not good so I dug deep in me to see what is really on my mind and I would soon see these 2 songs. I googled the lyrics to both even though I know both too well I wanted to read the words to each and see them in my head. It was a third a song and it was titled runaway as well but it was a rock song from Linkin’ Park and I didn’t wanna go there but I will. It is funny in their version he just wanted to run a find the truth and get away from the pain, runaway and never say goodbye. It is powerful and absolute and period. Where as the the other 2 have something a lil more but not really all 3 are special to me cause it all consists on Running away and I don’t see me running away just thinking I would love to wake up in India, Africa, Europe and all these other places that promise tranquility and relax. And maybe I am running from something even so its ok to be alone and have no reason to do what is right but do what is necessary for you to move and grow as a human and a a evolved species. I have been finishing this all month and runaway isn’t what I want I want to Run but with someone some special person that makes it worth it, you know long hours or hard rehearsals. Business trips or 6 months in another country or cruise ship. Where are you I am a patient man but time is a luxury for people who believe in more then just now but the forever the eternal. I want what is so far out my reach because I want it to be not because it actually is. We make our destiny like the movie says destiny is the bridge you build to the ones you love. Life is the sum of choices you make. Well that is quite enough for now be back soon…
:) -I See You…-

Complicated (7-31-2011)

2011-08-01T06:37:00.001-07:00

I warn off this title because it was either this one or “Cold” so I chose this one. It is the title of 1 of Rihanna’s songs off her loud album and I am diggin’ it right not. Who isn’t Complicated? Lies if you said you aren’t everyone is complicated in some way, I don’t like when people say I am a great girlfriend or boyfriend I am easy to be with, its not hard to be with me. I call bullshit everyone has a complicated personality the only difference is when we meet someone weather friend or more then that your complicated traits and behavior are subdued because you guys mesh well. Why is everything with you so complicated when you hear that leave, cut your loses and move on. Don’t make something work difficult is part of growing but complicated is 2 opposites that don’t attract or 2 of a kind that mesh awful together.

How do you know when enough is enough, when flattering becomes unnecessary lust, when happiness and settling the same word, when your insecurities are all you live on, when the little things no longer matter, these for me are all things that make me Complicated. But I am completely ok with saying it out loud or writing it on paper. I love this skin most of the time as appose to some of the time. I have been learning so much in last couple years just about how I only saw the world in my eyes and that’s all I needed it was and is just me I don’t need to experience everything because for 1 that’s impossible in 1 lifetime. At least now things in me are a bit different, I know now not everyone you meet is looking for the best interest in you, not everyone is forgiving, there are truly some evil things in the world. And well life goes with or with out me I just got to pick my roads and live with those decisions. I can do that I don’t mind so much the ups and downs of living my life anymore I just realize more each year each month I sit behind this laptop pouring out my thoughts to the world that LIFE is what you make it and I know I say it quite frequently but holds true to me and that I will never defer from. Life is complicated we make choices on others wants and needs not on our hearts and what our soul moves us to do. If everyone did what they felt and was passionate about things in our world right now be different but its ok because life is complicated and that alright. I am not easy to love, be around sometime, loud, compulsive, committed only to my career, over bullshit, love being alone, I am sure about the things I can’t control, I bruise easily, I love hard, I love often, I hate just as fast, I feel. I am complicated and for me that’s ok I don’t care if it effects people who I am or what I do or where I live or who my friends are or how often I visit, keep in touch etc. I keep in touch because I love people and feel connected to my friends and family on the same side of that coin parts of me wants to write post theses blogs and that’s it disappear into another country, another city, and only surface to write about my life and live. I feel obligated to not do too much I don’t wanna worry friends or family about my life but no longer what I do after this contract is my own where I go what I do is my own and mines alone. I am COMPLICATED I am constantly evolving and with this month I found some strength in me I have never seen before. I am me take it or leave it. What makes you complicated and our your friends and family ok with that? Who cares the ones that loves you is all that matters in the real world. I am Complicated because complicated isn’t bad it just is. Your complications are your own, own them, live through them, embrace them. I love your complicatedness it makes you unique and I love you for it so in closing love me cause I AM COMPLICATED…

The Best Thing I Never Had (6-26-2011)

2011-06-26T00:36:00.000-07:00

So to start this off “THANK GOD I FOUND THE GOOD IN GOOD-BYE” And true story I love this saying and the meaning behind it and I feel it completely. Thank God I found I the good thing about saying good-bye, sometime the hardest thing to say is good bye but in listening this song and before that actually living its crazy how so much has changed and how much is clear and in focus for the first time in my life the good thing about good bye is that it is not forever it is forever to the people it needs to be forever for. But on the other side its good I found the good in goodbye because it was too freakin hard to say good bye Colette, Amanda T, Amanda P, Carrie, Junebug, Shelby, Steve B, Sara, Chad, Bobbie, Jonah, Erik, Joey L, Mary, Jesse, (I can go on for another page you all know I love you). I Know now it wasn’t good bye it was see you later see you sooner then later. Good times or bad I wanted them to know you’re my family you’re my rock on which I grow from and know that you will always be there weather in my worse of worse moments or watching Smallville on your couch, or eating all types of hours or drunken craziness, or just listening to each other talk about the fact I have known you way too long. In any case it has been a trip to say life has been a series of “fortunate” accidents. I am blessed and so happy for all the fiends I made on this contract Meghan, Danii, Skye, Kevin, Elisa, Ann- Marie, Katrina, Igor, Hanna,Todd I could go on for a while but you get the point that so many people have and are still caring and loving and there trough thick and thin. I wish in some other dimension I could get all my friends both past and present to just meet an say Hey I knew HIM at this point in his life you guys both past and present I think about so many of you constantly and in the little stories I have in this not you know who some of you are. LOL On that I am so threw with BS I have seen a lot and been through so much and have had friends be more then just a friend but a saving grace and that’s when you separate the good from the great, I love every thing I have been through in the last 2+ decades I wish I could have seen the forest from the trees sooner but now I can and I have and now I am a lot happier because I can smell BS coming a mile away and I can no thanks next. You know I know I talk so much either online or in person the difference is if you are reading this you wanna hear me talk hahaha. I truly Love the title because it hold true on a lot of topics. I am so glad for most people I am the best thing they will never have, I love me all of me I am watching Buffy from the beginning and her and Angel are Bella & Edward of my time. Angel would watch Buffy sleep and it was hot and he was scared of the damn sun LOL Random I know but true. Okay back on topic. Sorry you know I get side tracked I would love to mention everyone in my life that have been good or even great. And given the right encouragement (Alcohol) I would love to mention the blessing goodbye has brought me. I was talking to some pretty awesome friends who just got married and I miss them but I remember who I was when I met both of them and who I am know and its crazy how life can change and things go. Its also amazing that when can sit on Skype for 2 hours just laughing and talking about everything that we used to love, what we love now, and just kick it. Life is also amazing how you can be so close to someone then life happens and you fall out you separate and that void is so not easily filled then, 1 of you has to have the courage to say listen either we fix this or I will burn your house down. The best part about being an adult is making better decisions then you did before and I love that I can now. The best thing about the song is for me just the realness of it I got it I get it I love it its pure honest and fun. I needed this song because it reminds me life experiences and the things I miss and thankful for the things that are gone. Okay in closing I feel obligated to say if you are upset I didn’t mention you don’t be your in my <3 or on the other side thank God I found the good-bye. Stay classy San Diego!! Live, Love, Dance

GONE (05-15-2011)

2011-05-16T03:38:00.001-07:00

I like this title it is from somewhere different then I tend to think or feel. It is the title of a song off Jennifer Hudson’s new album but the song is not a inspiration to this lil’ piece of my mind today. This comes to the world in time of great crisis and calm, love and sorrow, confusion and clarity. The world is screwed up and I don’t mean on just what’s happening if you watch CNN for 30seconds there is disaster everywhere both naturally and what were doing. I was watching TV in Stockholm and it was just awful so much pain, misery, sorrow, and just damn sadness but then you see a glimpse of light; a new set of twins are born or someone does something extraordinary and you smile just for a second. For me it was the Royal Wedding cheesy I know because I am not British but it was so beautiful to see something just genuinely nice and uplifting and fun. So much is uncertain and people say so much about the future you hear the whispers shhh “The World is Ending” it the End of Days according to this legend or this script or this old woman or rich man bored. The world has been ending since we got on it look out the window you can’t throw a rock in any direction without hitting a new skyscraper or some new gas gosling device or computer that will help you wipe your ass better. I personally don’t care either way if the natural disasters keep getting worse or if a nuke takes us out or Aliens finally get pissed about getting experimented on or a meteor comes were GONE. Tell me what could you do? LIVE in this moment stop pacing your life around this myth or prophecy or ancient guess if something happens then roll with if the world stops turns suck it up we did our part to fuck it up and we have deal with the fact that mother nature is kinda pissed right now. If it gets worse prepare for bad weather don’t everyone run and get saved and start prayer after 20, or 30 years of silence you want to get close to something because you think it’s the end. If eternity if forever then hey sign me up when its my time. But enjoy this moment NOW in this time, I have missed close friends wedding, babies born, funerals, engagement parties, graduations, so many celebrations because I was dancing or well it is always because of dance LOL. My goddaughter is HS and I won’t miss her graduation my 2 godsons is told there mom to tell them about me so they know me when I can see them more. My family knows I love them and that I do this for me because I don’t want regrets in my life. I feel bad that I missed these moments but I wouldn’t change it because I would have missed parts of me. I see those moments are GONE now I have to make the time to do those things because my family and friends have always been there weather it’s my Amazing Aunt who I just got back in touch with after 10 years or some new amazing friends I have met in all these years of traveling and seeing the world, or Tee Boo Big Dave, Lord Fokqua and Granny Goodness and the rest of the family that deal with ME and if you know me you know that is a full time job LOL. Sometimes things are GONE forever and that’s life and sometimes things are only out your grasp until you want them to be in arms reach. So much is changing in life in the world my favorite show is now over and I feel empty and down it was apart of me for 10 years and 218 episodes and its bittersweet to me. Its GONE and I have to change the things I can change and deal with the things I can’t. Life is always fleeting LOVE big and wild because 2morrow may not come, DANCE like this is your last performance, and LIVE like this moment is your last. Enjoy what you can enjoy and filter the rest weather your younger or older something is GONE and you want it back if it’s a girl pour your heart and deal with the consequences, if it’s a job work your ass off to get it. But know when to move forward and not dwell in the past.
-LIVE, LOVE, DANCE-
I See You…

Don't Hold Your Breath... (05-04-2011)

2011-05-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

I like that title it fits in so well for right now in my universe I love it its not bitter, jaded, or upset it just is and that is great. Ironically it is the title to a song by the lovely and amazing Nicole Scherzinger. It is some powerful words behind this song I first heard it right after I finished my last Blog which was right before I got on board the ship and let me just say so much has happen. I love the things that’s happening in my life, life has a funny way of giving you exactly what you need when you need it. You know I remember moving to Las Vegas thinking I never want to do ships again I had my fun I seen the world and well that was that. I come back and even in rehearsal I was thrown by how much I loved the environment of so many dancers from everywhere just dancing. 3 casts in and out of rehearsal in a gorgeous facility and just the whole rehearsal period of 8 hours of dance. Then we get to this floating city and I am taken back by the whole life all over again the put-ins, costume fittings, handover parties, opening night nerves, and finally random night of random events with random people LOL.

I choose this title because I love what she sings about in this song it is true and real and hurtful and a bit pissed off and I get it. To say to someone don’t hold your breath is powerful, people think in all cultures they have that power over you and if you allow them they do and that is what could make the most decent of people do awful things. If we don’t allow that to happen or you cut it off before it becomes a part of who you are then good on you. She says “I loved you so much that I thought that you could change and all you brought me is a heart full of pain”. She also goes on to say “your days gone lets face facts the bad movie ends and the screen fades to black”. When you think about the meaning behind all she is saying and what do you get from it I get it Love, even Like is a fickle thing and you have to have the stomach to deal with rejection and with acceptance. “If you think I’m coming back Don’t Hold Your Breath” I love that it is exactly what it is sometimes we get so sweep up in the world we know that we miss so much in the actual world that’s going on without us even knowing it. We had a beautiful royal wedding that I watched and loved, we have so many wars going on and the killing of a major terrorist I am not even going to touch on the weather. Look up and smile that you alive and well and know things could be better.

Sorry another tangent but I look up and think where would I be if I didn’t leave Michigan or I didn’t leave Disney I don’t know but I do know the people along the way that made this journey difficult and yet I am thankful for them even more then the ones I love dearly and those people know who they are. But without the enemies, back stabbing friends, and well the crazies you lay in bed with you truly don’t appreciate the amazing friends you have in your life trust me I know I have had my fair share of fake friends, awful people, and SHITTY relationships. I look back and I don’t know why I never had the strength to leave or stand up I guess those bad movies ended and the screened faded to black and now I write my life well only certain parts LOL I can only live with the circumstances I put myself in and that is all I would ask to do.
“Life is the Sum of Choices you Make” make some wrong choices and grow from them, make good and enjoy them.
-I Don’t live for the enjoyment of Others
-I See You…-

I See You.. Don't Hold Back ( 3-14-2011)

2011-03-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

So I hope in reading this one you have read or will read the Prequel to this 1 that I wrote in June of last year. So much has happen so much has changed so much is not what is was when I wrote that Blog. Well for 1 thing I am a little older, wiser, smarter, dumber, patient, focused and less stressed and for me that is amazing on top of all that a lot has changed. I am leaving in a couple day for a 7 month contract over in the Baltic and I found myself last week sad and not just sad down. I started to think what is going on life is happening your no longer stagnant or miserable or unhappy what is it DAMN. And it hit me I am moving at a pace I wanted but didn't expect i was overwhelmed about what was happening and underwhelmed about what previously was happening in my world. Why couldn't I just be Whelmed. I missed normality or my version of normality house, constant friends you see, grocery stores, traffic, just things 3 years ago was foreign to me became routine and a part of life as i knew it and now it was gone. I lost some people life happens that way and all I can do is keep it moving in the direction that I think is best for my life right now in this moment, And this is it what I am doing right now 8 hours of dance with a bunch of great personalities that I am trying to SEE and that is the beauty of life. We are all so different in such amazing ways that truly seeing them is a great journey I am on in that journey finding new things about me that I am so excited about. As sure as the wind blows I say "Life is the Sum of Choices You Make." I believe that i have lived by this quote for soo many years now its not even funny.
I had some Amazing people rise to my corner not in no particular order; Colette,Shelby, Carrie, Amanda P, Bobbie, Dee(Tia), Junebug, Steve, Jason, Slim, Sara Lenn, Chad, Audrey, Rodney, L-Dogg. As some of you know this line or may not "IT WAS THEN MY CHILD THAT I CARRIED YOU" I take it as he sent these people to me to help, heal, love, uplift, comfort, encourage. And I thank them a million times over because I TRULY SEE THEM. And I see life so much better and with better eyes because of those people there were other family, friends who are no longer in my life. But we all play a part and for however long we play that part is unknown but it was Love that I loved. Let me say Life is hard it will be hard especially when you living your dream, I only hope your dream doesn't become a nightmare in pursuing your dream.
What have I Seen that is so different LIFE of course what other reason do we do what we do. I am an Enigma the surface me is not all of me it is the only me I want to go to the front lines because he can deal with the back lash of hatred, ignorance, closed-minded people, and change to a degree. All of me can't I went home to Vegas a couple of days ago and to say it was great was an understatement I LIVED. I sat in the audience watching a show that I was part of for so long watching people I truly SAW up there i was watered up with Emotions and I was taken back by them as performers and as people. Then seeing some people who have always been there no matter my antics, or issues, or parties LOL.
"To Love and to have that Love returned is the greatest gift of all" and the 2 parts to this is Epic you have to open yourself up to love then you have to willing to receive it as well which is hard for alot of people on both parts. Some can't open their heart either way.
Let Go of the restraints that's holding you from life's greatest joys CONNECTING and being connected to other people thats how you grow, evolve, change, enrich. It's hard for me daily and lately its been a a mini battle to relax, relate, chill, and just be. But I am finding my balance again I was turned upside down lately with dance, life, friends, family, and life but that is what makes life worth living right.
To wrap up my always lengthy Blogs I See You... the good the bad the ugly and I am not going nowhere because that what people do when they truly LOVE. for everyone new in my life give me time to See You open yourself up to be seen. the people that I have known if I dont know you by now whats stopping us from Seeing into each other Help me HELP US. I dont wanna live an unfulfilled with just random people in it, I want the of Humanity in my eyes in my life in my world and there is no need to settle for half assness LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Please Love and be willing to accept when someone wants to love you in return. "Life is the Sum of Choices you Make" so live with the aftermath. Accept Change life is in a constant state of Change. See people beyond face value. Never forget the bounds you make some can't be broken no matter, time, space, distance, or circumstance!!!
-I SEE YOU...-

Talkin' To The Moon!!! (2-14-2011)

2011-02-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

"Great Song Bruno Mars new Album"
It is an interesting concept but so many people do it and invest hours in doing that exact thing. I do it so much its bright, gorgeous, quiet, and sometimes answers back to you in unusual ways. One I can't believe its Feb and two it is the day before Valentines Day. Crazy how quickly life happens and changes in a sort f blink of an eye, in less then a week I will be leaving for a new gig and an exciting adventure I know it will be. Life has a funny way of giving you road blocks and obstacles that without the tools needed you fall flat and are subjected to the woes of life and growing up. I once thought that if my life was paved and unbroken with no bumps my life would be peachy. But without these bumps or bruises or unpaved highways how could anyone appreciate the best times of life. Most nights I speak to the moon and it gives me what I need to know to keep going in the direction that guides me to where I need to be at that moment in time. I would like to reiterate Life is the Sum Of Choices You Make because they mold you into who you are in that moment in your life. What do you ask when you talk to the moon? what do you say? what are your intentions while your sitting there having a full blown adult conversation with a moon orbiting the Earth. Übermensch (Above human, or Superman) is German and I found it looking for new tattoo's and the meaning behind it, it is crazy that Friedrich Nietzsche was up on the concept the theory that we are capable of much more then we do right now. I enjoy the thought reasoning in this, we are capable of much more then what we do. I believe in this concept wholeheartedly. I spoke with the moon about the new tattoo and it is a part of who I am and who I am becoming. When I speak to the moon I ask what is coming? How do I go forward? what is next for me? All these questions are answered when they need to me. I will be moving to another category of my life soon and I am excited to keep it moving in a great direction a new venture. I cannot wait something new it is super fun to know I will be dancing soon.
Okay in closing lately I have felt different in many ways and I am so glad to have my present and future looking in a new direction. When I am looking in a looking glass and or a reflection of myself I see the man I am becoming more and more everyday.
"WE ARE DEFINED EVERYDAY NOT JUST BY THE DOORS WE CLOSE BUT THE DOORS WE LEAVE OPEN."

Decade Of Decisions (01-05-2011)

2011-01-05T04:23:00.000-08:00

So to be honest I erased this blog 6 times since Christmas because it was tons i wanted to say but really nothing to say. So I have been waiting to have something to say and I think I have found something to talk about, the title has not changed but the meaning has alot that's why i couldn't post this before New Years. Well here we are and to be completely real I was scared to write this because it has made me sit here and think about every decision I have made in the last 10 years OMG. I have filter, unfiltered, thought and thought more of my life since 2000 and that is why i can't get these words down on paper. So here goes Life is a direct sum of the choices you make, life is what you make it, you only get one chance at life make the best of it, live as if tomorrow isn't coming. Did I follow all these quotes that i so randomly throw around NO HELL NO hence the many drafts of this blog. For some reason no not for some reason because I had to reflect look at the man in the mirror it took so ong to publish this. I wanna say thanks to the entities in my life male, female, animal, alien or whatever for giving me this MOMENT. I do not know where I would be now if i didn't have such amazing experiences and friends and family to be there. I have to say it is Epic to look back on recent events like leaving Jubilee to joining Shockwave for the first time. All these things happen in the last 10 years and they have shaped, molded, installed, programed me to be who I am today. I See You... Looking back lets have no regrets in this new decade in my eyes i have loved, lost, traveled, danced with some awesome people, became friends with some amazing people, and lived an amazing life both up and downs are magic to me.

I am not going negative but i wanna get this out because as i sit here its on my head Does anyone have a scrapbook of Sorrow? I was thinking of that today and sitting in my bed most of the day with a swollen eye i got me I got sad, withdrawn, a lil' depressed because I look at all these picture on my laptop, and facebook and they are all the same I am happy, excited, loved, surrounded by people who love me and that ear to ear smile. And don't get me wrong I love looking at them but I spent most of the day looking at my scrapbook of sorrow and those are the moments that propelled me to i.e leave Detroit, move to Orlando, Do Cruise Ships, move to Saipan, go to Germany, move to Las Vegas, leave Jubilee, and so on a Decade of Decisions is what i went through today. Where would I be if i would have listened to Ms. Rowland and stop dancing, stayed in Detroit, stayed in the Marine Corp, moved to Seattle instead of as Vegas. My life would be so different but i don't live in the what if's i lie in the whats next and I am super thankful for eveyone that has been in my life, no longer in my life, and that is still in my life. Amanda, Shatika, Abby, Jocelyn, Bryan W, Slim, J Boy, Gertrise, Joey, Jesse, Boobie, Erik, Danielle, Clarie, Colette, Cassandra, Junebug, Sara(Roomie), Sarah,Tania, Shelby, Mary C.G, Jonah, Chad,Rodney, LDogg, Aunt Cassandra I can keep this list going but just everyone who reads this is in my life right now for a reason.

Sometimes we make decisions based on fear, insecurities and just rash, All my choices were not good choices but they were mind to make and i can't go back and fix them because it would alter who i am today. I am flawed and i see my flaws daily and i know why things i get upset about happen because they a direct result of choices i have made. I hurt bad this past year has opened my eyes so wide and closed me up so tight I feel like a fortress of sorts. I need to be open to life and everything that comes with it, but I feel like I am the old grumpy neighbor who is always pissed for no damn reason at all. I am not that guy but i feel like i need to be or have to be to be somewhat happy in this world, which would suck. But i look at all my friends my age a lil' older and lil younger but just in these places i don't think i have ever been in. They always say the grass is greener but sometimes your grass is just damn dead.

I am deciding to take this decade to a new level a new being a higher being a Übermensch. Get the clarity I need the clarity i have been too scared to reach for, the extra that I need. I have been blessed so far with this life now it's time to prove i deserve it and more. or pack it in. I have wrote about so many things and in all those I find a lil' more of me and now me is screaming out the cracks in my armor, the holes in the walls, the voice in my head. I wanna thank Amanda, Dee Averhart, Tika, Abby, Colette, Bryan W, Sara, Shelby, Jonah ,Cassandra, Shatika & Jocelyn you guys have always been too honest, and there hell or high water no matter the shit i do. So many people are here in my life for me and i can't thank you all enough

I am a PUZZLE, COMPLICATED, A GEEK, FREE, OPEN, SPACEY, DISTANT, WITHDRAWN, INWARDLY @PEACE, DIFFICULT, DRAMATIC, CRAZY, UNFILTERED, WARM, CONFRONTING, LOVING, CARING, SEMI-PATIENT, SLIGHTLY PREJUDICE, EXTRA-ORDINARY, TALENTED, OK LISTENER (lol) And above all these qualities that makes me. Tim Johnson (Ty Lamar)
I am THE DIRECT SUM OF CHOICES I HAVE MADE....
let 2011 be the Year of Years for you no matter what

-I See You...-

No Express Lane to Happiness (12-09-2010)

2010-12-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

I am in love with life right now I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I know i am starting this off on a good foot I dont know where it will end. But I wanna first thank my beautiful parents for raising me with all that i needed to succeed in this world and all to live a life better then the one they had. My friends because without them I would have fallen apart many moons ago, they are the pillars to my parents foundation. I cant imagine this life without so many i love in it. I have had a blessed and wonderful life in the last 25 years i have done more then some 50year old people. And with that said I am happy and their is NO EXPRESS LANE TO HAPPINESS. Trust me i have been looking for 1 for quite some time its not even funny. I have had some amazing highs in my life as short as it may seem to some I think "Life is the sum of choices you make." I don't like when people make excuses for the circumstances they have in their life right now weather its daddy issues, mommy issues, or just damn issues we need to learn to lean on other people, give in to help, seek guidance if you can't find it within yourself look to other sources that can help you. Life is not impossible to get through we have all the tools we need to make it in this trying world it depends on weather or not we want to access those hidden talents or those resources that The Powers That Be put in front of us to help in the lifelong struggle some call life. Don't cry and ask God or whoever for money and when it arrives you say no because your waiting for an envelop from god with 100 dollar bills in it. The things wee pray about or wish for are there for the taking we just have to be open to life to see them and not look for the obvious solution to the problem or issues we are having. I feel if you have had the worst luck when it comes to love at some point you have to stop making excuses like "all women are bitches" or "men ain't shit" maybe it may be time to look in the mirror. Or if Life keeps giving you lemons maybe you should switch your diet or look at why you keep getting lemons. I think everyone can sit here and have a small violin about the life they have and the poor me stories we all can but what will that accomplish NOTHING. Once again there is no express lane to happiness you just have to take those detours, lemons, bad circumstances and make some decisions on weather you are going to let issue #56 take all your time and energy or are you going on to the next. I'm not going to say its going to be easy i am saying that you have help you have outlets you have choices not everything is the end of the world. I am the first to admit that I am dramatic a lot of times but I have found sanctuary in my friends and in music I always have been but in recent months it has been more clear to me in my life that your friends are called that for a reason I looked up friends and this is the Webster definition: A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, a person who gives assistance. See that it amazes me that this definition is so self explanatory then you look up a Best Friend: The one who is closet to you. I Love hearing that i don't have one best friend I have 5 or 6 not because I need them but because I have a lot of issues and different sides to me and they know how to deal with each one of them in their own way. I have truly found a place in my life were I am happy things didn't work out how i planned them when i was 6, 12, 18, 21, hell even when i turned 25 but they never do. I am glad they didn't work out as planned because I am so Blessed and overjoyed at this space its new and yet I have so much more to see and do and that makes the journey that much more fun. Okay I think i got all that out e happy in the moment don't look outwards for happiness or what you think is missing its missing for a reason, enjoy the space your in your there for a reason because there is NO EXPRESS LANE TO HAPPINESS!!!!
-I SEE YOU...-

Reality Sets In!!!! (11-20-2010)

2010-11-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

This is reality as we know it is it a good space or a bad space or a space that it is yet to be defined. I look at it like this you are a direct sum of the choices you make and now this space is what I like to call reality setting in. In a good way I like the that life is happening the way it is right now. It makes me smile to know that the things are going in a path that makes you appreciate the finer thing in life. you can easily take the bad and complain that life isn't fair and poor you because life gave you lemons well i think lemons has and awesome quality to make you feel better in certain occasions. You make lemonade is a funny concept because when reality sets in no one wants to make lemonade they just want a quick fix. To truly grow as a person you have to go through some bad things to truly let life happen in a magnificent way. which is pretty awesome. You never know the extent of the power of circumstances has on you. Reality is fickle and very weird sometimes it can be very predictable and then turn you on your head if you let and that is the gift and the "curse" if you allow it to be. No matter what happens you can always beat the odds or overcome the hurdles in your life. Nothing I say "nothing" is above beating, reality sets in at the most inconvenient times so we think. I am having just random thoughts and dreams about my past and its kinda weird I feel like i keep reliving things that i thought i was over and I feel reality is haunting, scary, exciting, new, different and I am totally OK with all those things. We wish that our life turn out a certain way and if its not right to the letter we are disappointed and sad and at first that's okay we are only human but we have to accept things change things will be different and life isn't just a book you can write what you want to happen and it happens. I really wrote this to just get some frustrations off my chest Reality has a funny way of showing you things that you would have never noticed before or that you purposely overlook. In closing Reality its fickle, real, honest, harsh, fun, scary and any other word you wanna use for but its the only one you got so let it set in and LIVE

Lesson Learned...(11-01-2010)

2010-11-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

Great Song by the amazing Alicia Keys and John Mayer I have been listening to tons of music lately trying to find a song that fits the space I'm in right now in my life and lesson learned works perfectly. Life takes a new turn all the time and you have to roll with the punches or enjoy the moment as they come. So no longer in transit I just am and that's all i wanna be right now and I am completely OK with that. In the song they have this bridge in the song she says "Life perfect, Ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggles for. Falling down ain't falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor. It's called the past cause I'm getting past And I ain't nothing like I was before." I love these lyrics and i know i get from it what i can that is why music is so much apart of my life. I would love for a moment to break it down it is pretty self explanatory. Life perfect ain't perfect if you don't what the struggles for, that is so true so have no idea how nice life can be until you have been through some struggle. Falling down ain't falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor. For me it speaks to the heart as in, if you have been hurt and you can't show it or realize hurt and pain are apart of life. And lastly the past is exactly that the past. Don't we ever wonder why life is so hard then so good then so hard again, I feel that it is what I have been saying for quite sometime Life is the Sum of Choices you Make. I Love that concept I live for that concept life as i know it has been a direct sum of the choices I have made, sometimes that is a hard thing to swallow and I have to be OK with the back lash or the reward. We talk about destiny, fate a lot these days and it freaks some people out because the way the world is NOW. People wanna believe in something more then just our day to day life's, you see all these comic book movies and movies that make you wanna believe there is something more. I do i know in my heart of hearts their is more to life then just what we do on a daily basis. Nietzsche posited "The Übermensch" as a goal for humanity to set for itself. The Übermensch means above man or SUPERMAN and I believe we have the ability to grow in that way we do it all the time on a small scale when we learn from lessons. But to truly grow I think we need to let go of the past enjoy the present and look to the future because life is too short tomorrow is not promised live in this moment RIGHT NOW!!!! I have tried to learn from all the lessons I have been through some have been harder then others and some i didn't learn from at all. But I learn something new everyday and one day I will be that Superman for me not for anyone else because of the lessons I have been through. Some things i will never be able to explain but I don't want I wanna live this life the best way I can for me. So learn from those lessons, listen to that inner you. When i wrote "I See You..." I went to a place I had never been before it was pure and real and deep and I Loved being in that place and Now I am in another place so see people for whats inside and learn from all the lessons you have been through both good and bad.
I Hope you all take what you want from this I write to express my feelings in my life because you can express emotions so much through Dance but Now this is New and Different...

In Transit (08-07-2010)

2010-10-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

Wow way to long it has truly been a min since i put my thoughts on the web or anywhere just been living my life it has been path and has thrown me for a loop. But that is what makes life so enjoyable i guess and least that is what i tell myself so i don't crumble up and waste away. So i read my old blogs and I am kinda bitter and it makes me laugh because  I know me and i know that is not who i am and it upsets me. I love every hand i have been dealt but it does hurt sometimes to feel the feelings i have felt in recent months, Remorse, Sadness, Pain, Lose, Confusion. And all in the same token Love, Compassion, Support, Care, Tenderness, Openness. I love all those feeling inside and they all came out over the last couple of months. You it sounds so lame to say or type but turning 25 was such an eye opener to the life i have lived and the life i wanna live and the mistakes i have made and the decisions i feel now more then ever. When you have those revelations and those insights into parts of you, you didn't know you had it is scary, uplifting, freaking and a little off putting. Because for me when you walk a path less traveled and have an idea and goals you set out in front of you it hard to see some of those altered for reasons you may think is good for you or even right but you ride it out to see the outcome. I should have tattooed "Life is a direct sum of the choices you make" on me but one that would have taken way too long and I See You means so much more but i have tons of space left on my body.

     When you reflect on your past relationships is there ever a pattern? Is there ever that voice that says "Hey what the hell are you doing?" is there is and it gets louder the longer your with someone run RUN FAST. Because it is so hard to break habits all kinds of habits women, drugs, food, lies, etc. You will find yourself in the same similar positions and wonder why am I here have i not been down this road this path this doomed tunnel??? You don't come out of it bitter or less trusting. or hateful to the opposite or same sex you live and learn and hope you don't make the same mistakes more then once. And if it does happen that life throws you another bag of lemons you will know and identify with the bag and make some amazing Lemonade.
Which brings me to point #1: YOU CANT SAVE THE WORLD, so stop trying to save others especially those who don't wanna be saved or who enjoy misery because misery loves company.
Which ironically brings me to #2: YOU HAVE TO LIVE FOR YOU, at the end of the day you only get so many years on this planet please don't spend it second guessing who you are and how to make other people happy. You have to live for you no matter what the outcome. Lose friends, disconnect from family, take a sabbatical do whatever you need to to find you peace. Let me get real honest i had to almost give up the one thing in this entire world that truly made me happy to truly find my happiness. I purposely got fired from my dance job and seriously considered stopping cold turkey all 21 years of my dance life because of what i like to call Situational Shit. No lie it took me to a very dark place i had never been and yet it also took me to a beautiful place i had NEVER been.
Which rolls on to my #3 thought: DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL THINGS, yes it was small why? because i lived to see another day and if i died 2morrow my last thoughts would be heartache, sadness, hate, pain, all things i never truly wanna feel. Let me tell you cleaning out my Make up spot at Jubilee i didn't even cry or blink i just went home and watched movies and smiled i had one regret that whole day that i didn't hug my friends in the show the people that meant a lot to me the people that were there all the time not sometimes. I felt sadness for not having a final bow with my family you forget so quickly you see these people 6 nights a week and 2 shows a night and i took their presence for granted. I must say i was alone for the first time in such a long time and in a dark withdrawn place that i LOVED in being alone and jobless and confused about my future for the first time since i left Detroit in 03, I found Tim and i was so excited.
Which take me to #4: LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, like i said 2morrow ain't promised and I started living without so much weight of other peoples opinions or their 2 cents on my life. I saw shows, went to movies, slept all day, read books, watched prime time TV, worked out everyday. I was living and it was and still is GREAT.

ps I Love that boy so much LORD FOKQUA you better read this LOL, I feel like i chased behind ? until i realized recently I am way too blessed to have spent most of my life waiting for something that may never happen. I have made a declaration to myself to live in this MOMENT, not the past or future I am truly going to enjoy this gift i have called the present.

     So in closing I love this opportunity, this growth, this wisdom, this time, this path, this new found LOVE in my Heart & Soul. I am finally living my life and for the first time ever i got it. I AM SPECIAL and my flaws are apart of me but they don't define me they just add to MY AMAZING CHARACTER that deserves to be LOVED without hesitation
I SEE ME WHICH GIVES ME THE ABILITY TO SEE YOU
-I SEE YOU...-

I SEE YOU... (06-25-2010) My Favorite!!!!

2010-10-13T06:11:00.000-07:00

I know we all probably know what this is from I love the movie the concept.... so here is why this is on my mind................

i was watching the movie for the 6th or 7th time and each time i thought something different this world that we live in is screwed and different in so many ways. It was majestic and wild and awe beautiful and it was beyond a dream. We as humans are so disconnected so closed to the possibility of real relationships and real connections with real people and life itself. I have connections like that with people on this planet but no one comes to you and says "I See You" for all that you are and all that you mean to me. We need to be more like that in life in general its awesome I love that. You truly don't know who your real friends are until you go through things. And that is what we need more of in this day and age. Its rare to find something real something true, honest, supportive and just there for you always I never realized that until i hit this road block in my life just who truly cares who is there a text a email a call it is so much more then that too me. You feel the love literally its there its real its rare. like a rock under extreme pressure becomes a diamond, ruby, gem stone something stronger, the beauty you normally don't see shows now.

-"Change like sunshine can be a friend or foe, a blessing or curse, a dawn or dusk"-

What do people see when they see you when they talk to you when they get to know you?

Do they see the work in progress the end product which never happens we are constantly in growth and the moment we stop growing we stop living. Its hard because only know the version of you when you met them. The you of the moment wasn't all of you only one part of you or not a part at all maybe it was a you being controlled by your emotions or your situation. Whatever the case is or was they only keep that version of you in their head so there is already no room to grow to evolve to be someone more then you are in that moment?

-"The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me."-

I get it, its hard as hell to see your friends or family go through bad times or times of sorrow or sadness or loneliness, or grief, loss, heartbreak... All thee above or just a healthy amount of 1. I say Healthy because weather your religious or not you only get as much as you can handle and if you get a little more then that there is growth that needs to happen kinda like a computer requires regular updates to run better perform better we do as well. The only difference is we are so much more complicated. We aren't just hardware or programmable I am some of our but to those who aren't re need a new mouse, or cleaner screen, and so on to stay functioning that means going through something hard, difficult, rough, Bad, Sad etc. Those times or hardship made us go to the next level in life weather it was a break up, a lose in family or friend, or addition to family or friends family. a marriage or divorce whatever it was we all can remember each one like it was yesterday and I associate it with music i could tell you where i was when every Janet albums released, i can tell you the first song i performed and the last i still remember songs= moments if i hear Summer Breeze- Isley Brothers. Teena Marie- Portuguese Love. Those songs bring up memories that cant be replaced. I mean every time i hear The Reason- Hobastank i get all emotional LOL. But its funny i was watching Avatar and listening to the score for the movie just mind blowing and so intense and soft and rough and elegant, you connect to the story you find your own meaning in it like with music you get what you get from each song and how it directly relates to you. Update move forward don't stay stagnant for someone or for yourself because its comfortable to you. Grow and accept others growth because we are constantly changing and Change is inevitable. See them for them not the image you place on them or the image you see them in when you meet them allow them to change grow blossom and you see your own relationships, personal self, and being in general will be renewed better then it was before...

-I See You-

Pretend "Not Anymore" (05-22-2010)

2010-10-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

Great song from Glory Dogs... cool Lil' Band

And well the title for this here venture in my life, So what year was it when life got rough when things looked bad when all you could do is look for ways to be better to do better to become better. This is me not pretending not sugar coating just for a new change of events the truth. The truth is simple life isn't always happy and smiles and you can only pretend for so long, before the smile cracks or the wounds show. Why do you start pretending in the first place well for one it could be second nature, you know all that you know or it could be your afraid of the world would think of the real you honest you happy you. Is it hard when you stop seeing the world or cup half full when you look at it as just empty? is it bad to feel the way i do right now i don't think it is.. in 23 years i have never felt the way i feel right now at this moment in my life. To be in a space you cant grow in or out of is hard its tough and I or you cant be Happy 24/7 cant be every one's jester the go to person for fun and smiles. I cant be right now I cant pretend i cant waiver in my life anymore i cant pretend I am both Hot and Cold. Sad and happy...

I love this moment but i hate it as well, in the last 7 years I have literally seen and done with my career all i truly wanted and personally i fell short. Inside of me i didn't grow i just let life happen emotions bottled feeling put on the shelf as long I got the next dance job the next itinerary, the next chance to pack my suitcase to say goodbye because goodbye is way easier then letting someone in? Right. At lease that's what i thought but i see now i was wrong.

Not many people saw Tim for Tim and that was not there fault i just didn't want people to get to close because it meant saying goodbye a lot easier, And now I look at empty promises i have made BS I have spit out and Lies i have told for so many years and i feel awful, for some people it takes a push to move them in the right direction for others a strong wind and well for me it took an Earthquake and i wish it didn't i wish i could have wanted to see the flaws earlier its hard to fix whats been broken for so long you cant I'm not a robot I am only flesh and bone and I bleed red just like everyone else.

To be sad and down and depressed is one thing and i wont be that way i cant be that way life is way too short. I need to embrace the present and take the future one day at a time, I am forged in Strength & Love and i have to do this for me because i need to be able to make Ty happy before everyone else can be happy with me. Ty is who i am becoming who i want to be, I am growing and in 3 months i will be 25 and i cant wait so much has changed so much has happen to know being alone isn't truly being alone when you have great friends!!!!

To not Pretend to not be everyone else reflection of themselves to make them feel better is who Ty is becoming who i need to be I need to be my reflection of me my BEST part of me. i wont let no one stop this evolution from happening, loved ones, friends, family co-workers, i am doing this for me and for me first and foremost. So be there support as i did when you weren't OK or just call to say hi or don't be fake just let me be... I <3 this moment because who i am now i won't be in 6 months 6 years and that makes me extremely HAPPY.......

So I am done PRETENDING!!!!

sorry for the inconvenience this may cause.

If today was your Last Day & Better Days (04-12-2010)

2010-10-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

Good Question Huh? and a Great Song by Nickelback. or Better Days Janet Jackson!!!

Pick Your Poison*

So answer the question and then think about it for a min. I read the lyrics to this song watched the video and seriously sitting here in my room @ 2am just got super sad. WHAT IF? today was my last day could i say goodbye to yesterday, live each moment like its my last, leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime i had. Could you how precious is the life you live right now that if 2morrow wasn't coming what would you do? WHAT IF? Call those friends you never see, reminisce on old memories, forgive your enemies, find that one your dreaming of, swear up and down to God that you would fall in love. Honestly it puzzles me i read these lyrics and its so true WHAT IF? Would you try to mend a broken a heart. I know its completely contrasting but this song "BETTER DAYS" has taking me through each step in my life it is powerful and so true in so many ways you think about all you been through and what is next and WHAT IF today was your last day? uh oh tie-in. I love my job and what i do and it took almost 25 years to say listen I am me and no one else can change that and be firm in my statement about me NOW in this time in this place. So much happens in your life that you rarely step back and look at someone else life and go TALK TO ME I AM LISTENING. So here is what I am getting too if today was my last day i want this to be known I have had a roller-coaster of a life and i would not change none of it maybe 2 or 3 events but personally and professionally I have lived many life's and have embodied many persona's I feel as if the journey is just at the start and I have a lot more to come but that isn't scary anymore it is welcoming because BETTER DAYS are ahead not to say better days haven't passed but you have valleys and peaks and that's what life is. I just had a lot on my mind and we just started a new contract @ Jubilee and for me growing as a man and as a performer and you think where did the time go where are my Best Friends what have I contributed to the greater cause of Life....

Some of the lyrics in Better Days ring so true,

"I used to sit and wonder,Would I ever be happy Life was so bittersweet So many disappointments

Too many ups and downs for me, When you live a nightmare It's hard to dream. But sometimes life just isn't fair So why complain nobody cares, And I don't wanna waste nobodies time.

So I'm bout to change my vibe,Today the sun's gonna shine cause I made up my mind that today will be the start of better days leaving old shit behind, And move on with my life the blindfolds off my eyes

And now all I see for me is better days."

"Afraid of my reflection Tell me that's not me I see That's who I wanna be, Stuck somewhere in the middle on half full or half empty Waiting for somebody to come and rescue me. Can't let that petty attitude start to jade my point of view only thing that does is bring me down."

I read this i feel this i believe this and i am sad because when is the start of better days?

I am leaving old shit behind moving on with my life i have too because i think if today was my last day in 2 months everyone i cared about would be sad but would be moving on with life and i will become a distant memory. So know that BETTER DAYS are ahead and that IF TODAY WAS MY LAST DAY i would tell you listen I love you and i would go to a beach sit there and listen to Janet Jackson and smile at all the memories I had in this lifetime. so no I am not mad or upset just Sad i wish for so many things not for me but for my friends and family. Peace, Love, Forgiveness, Compassion, Patience.

I know I am totally complicated and weird to some and loud but I love those things about me and glad I have those things about me and I'm not 30 or 40 i don't have the life experience as some of the people in my show but I'm no 19 year old kid or 50 something bitter and jaded. I am me through and through and if that is an issue I understand but at the end of the day 2morrow isn't promised and my better days are here.

So know

"I'm Not Perfect, but I'm trying(when you needed me there were a few times i did not come running), I'm Not Perfect, but I'm Working (When you wanted more I would give Less, and I'm sorry),

I'm Not Perfect, but I'm getting closer the more I know Y'all...(PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE)

I'm Not Perfect, BUT I'M BETTER THAN I WAS YESTERDAY!!!!

SO here is my declaration I love my life and things i do and I could be around all the people i love all the time to fell love and give love all the time, but in the mean time Accept

In closing: Love the skin your in and if not evolve into something more by growth and change, <3 and Cherish the moments that are irreplaceable, and make those Moments happen. Live Each Day as if it's your Last and if not Better Days are ahead if you want them!!!

LIVE, LOVE & DANCE

Lost then Found (02-12-2010)

2010-10-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

"I choose this title because its one of my favorite songs now by Leona Lewis & One Republic"

SO I am home visiting family and friends & clearly can't sleep. LOL I think a lot about love, life and well everything its crazy cause i sit in my old room looking at all this stuff i don't have anymore and all this stuff i always thought i needed and i don't.... Which is funny to me cause there was a point in my life that i would not go anywhere w/o some of this stuff and Now it is a distant memory.

What does that mean? I leave shit in the past too long before i clean house i let my closet or attic get too packed before i wanna clean it out, or let it go. I think for the latter part of 10 months I have been fighting myself about change and the WILD part is it takes you to lose something before you wanna find something, and the crazy part is what you lost may honestly not be what you wanna find. I know it may sound weird to most but say you lose a Loved one weather by death or distance u may gain a new found likeness in yourself or security you never knew you had. Or if you lose your job that you never really liked you may actually find the Job you always wanted but you let this old job hinder you. On those occasions when what you lost may be what you trying to find again it sucks when you feel it is too far Lost to be found and that sucks...

But you gotta keep it moving don't stay stagnate thinking about the what if? Read, Dance, Work-out, Sleep, Play do something to find something new to feel these voids. I need to LOSE somethings because i want to and NEED to e.i (People, Friends, Habits, Emotions etc.) Not in a bad way but in a I feel like things now in my life are hindering me from my Dreams and Goals. I am not blaming anybody but know that its happening now and if by chance you get caught in the Tornado that is my Vacuum cleaning my attic and closet I am not sorry. I only Apologize I didn't do it early i had to wait till I was almost 25 to come to some real life Decisions. Some things i lost i wish i could find again and somethings i have found i need to Lose on purpose.

This isn't something New i have been struggling with some hard or not so hard choices for a while I look at all my old blogs and i see a pattern this Quote "Life is the Sum of Choices you make" How can i be an honest man if i don't practice what I preach. and Believe in what i say I don't wanna look back in 15, 20, 50 years and go I should have , could have. I want to be proud of the life I live and the people in it and the things i do and the stories i tell my kids one day or my god children or my nieces and nephews.

So basically

LOSE it if its bad or unhealthy or just not what you feel you need in your life

FIND it if you miss the happiness of it, lost it prematurely, or just in search of it.

Personally, Professionally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Physically anything Lost can be Found, and some things need to be Lost for you to Find YOURSELF........

( I cut the song down so that y'all could read what i thought is an amazing song so it just goes VERSE, CHORUS, , HOOK, END)

Staring at tears on the pages Of letters that I never could write

I know love isn't painless but it's worth the risk it's worth the fight

Playing it over and over I wish that I could turn back time

Baby we're wrong but we could be right........

Why do we say things we can't take back and why do we miss

What we never had both of us fell to the ground and love was so lost

It couldn't be found what would it take to forget who's blame

I'm tired of crying at the sound of your name

Why don't we turn this around

love in the ending don't you wanna be lost then found

Empty glasses and tables

Echo's through these walls

The memories go were we go there like the suitcase that you never lose

If the good lords eye is upon me I swear to make things right

What ever we've lost I know we can find

The winds are calling up we can't stop the rain wish that you could take it back but it's to late it's to late...

We could be lost then found.

This is It. (10-31-2009)

2010-10-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

Wow I get sad just reading the title such a powerful song by the late "KING OF POP". I downloaded the album heard the song googled the lyrics and made me think (Deep breath) you never know when THIS IS IT...................

But for me i take this title, statement, quote as so many different things.

1.) This is it i can't keep letting my past dictate my present or my future who I am right now in this moment is a direct sum of the choices i have made in my life. Now i know i have a habit of talking about my life but if not talk about my life then whose. I feel so conflicted with dumb stuff but its not dumb stuff if its been on my mind and i feel inclined to talk about it or write about because i cant keep my feeling in too long i will explode. my conflict is be this version of me and ride it out until my next enlightenment moment which by the way is never a good enlightenment ever. So the (Set up) I lie alot i mean alot i feel better putting on paper but it is bad i never think why i just do but until about 6 months ago it never mattered to me. And about 6 moths ago a moment happen :Love ( that was from the movie "the Pursuit of Happiness". Love happen and i know it sounds lame and i don't mean with someone i mean i saw love in my eyes and i knew in the back of my head OMG Tim you gone fuck this up. And so we move on with the Blog I knew 1 of 2 things had to happen i had to start this thing off lie free or i had to slide my way around shit. i chose 1.5 which wasn't an option. Listen carefully i don't me just in someone i mean i felt life changes i saw new things and old things.

2.) This is it I will not doubt Tim L Johnson anymore. I grow bored so quick nothing keeps me at attention , so I need excitement i need compassion i need forgiveness i need support i need LOVE. and if you don't agree then we were friends not anymore. Continuing on I felt like in me i knew i needed to grow up and make some hard decisions some changes not altering who i was or who i am now just Growing in a way that was not used to. Funny thing is in growing don't lose all of who you used to be to be who you wanna be, because who you want to be and who your meant to be may not be the same. I read this quote when i got Friday Oct. 30 2009 it reads "DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME YOUR EVERYTHING BECAUSE WHEN THEY'RE GONE YOU HAVE NOTHING ..

3.)This is it I am going forward with my life no more regrets or second guessing or half living or half stepping i can preach and talk to everyone else but my own self things are changes AGAIN i Love to Hate Change for one reason Everyone Hates change but when its over Loves the outcome.

4.) This is it I am not shutting every out I am Open to suggestions i need my friends and family feedback what are some likes and dislikes what do you think i need to change or improve. Be honest even if you think I have feeling (LOL). I need to know I am not the only person who sees me the world see me daily and no ones stops to say listen friend, co-worker, roomie, girlfriend, guy friend, woman, man.. If you feel like there is something you can teach someone ignorant to it, or guide them in a new way, or improve their way of life say something don't an opportunity to give back. I am a open vessel as of NOW just come up to me, e-mail me, call me, text me i wanna know what you feel and take it all in.....

5.) This is it I have officially hurt myself enough. I stop punishing myself for my sins and my Life I am not perfect as of NOW. I need to find Life out on my terms, I will look up when i walk, i talk and act to the best I know, i will Dictate my life, I will make the best of each day no matter what, I will Live a full life everyday, I will take in the air, I WILL LIVE.

6.) This is it I am Done......... thank you for always reading the babble in my head that I put on the Internet.. Until Next Time

Just Living the Life (10-20-2009)

2010-10-13T05:52:00.000-07:00

Wow so it's been a min since i had something to say but now its been a while and i wanna talk about something. Life is good no i take that back life is great, I mean i Moved to one of the most Beautiful places I've ever been Las Vegas. Things are Amazing i have a great job at the longest running Vegas show the Beautiful Jubilee. Its amazing 85 Cast members; Beautiful Showgirls, amazing Singers, Great Bluebells, and Fun Show boys. I think the show has lasted this long due to the cast they hire i love it. Its easy i mean easy for me as a dancer and I'm OK with that because i need this break before i do something else. i Love the city is big but not huge its a concrete jungle and no grass Lil Mountains, Buildings, just gorgeous. I just recently got a house its Beautiful i love it, My friends here are great I'm glad they are here. Don't get me twisted i miss all my friends From Cali, to Arizona, to Huntsville, Orlando, Miami, Tha "D", NYC, and beyond i love them they keep me together. I miss my family as well, but life here is sweet I mean when your younger and make a list of things you wanna do before you die and you complete most of them before you turn 25 what do you do then? I mean this is awesome but also Frustrating because now i have to go in a cocoon to find a happy place. LOL Any who things are like I said fun. Tell me what happens when you get all you want but not what you feel you need right now? I guess you go with the flow until another bump comes along and i love bumps. So it's fun fun fun like i said I'm I'm here things are as you want them and books say that and i believe its true anything you want is just outside your comfort zone. Trust me things have been OK at times God has always walked with me like foot prints in the sand. I mean seriously if you want something go out and get it because if your meant to have it you will if you want it bad enough. So lets go with this for this Chapter in my Life " Smile Life is Wat You Make It".... I guess my bitterness is fading and I think Jaded is now called Blush for Tim... I guess things Look grim before the Sun splits the clouds open and your Dreams are there on the tips of beautiful Mountains...

Human (09-02-2009)

2010-10-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

Funny title for me I know but i think this song is amazing its off Brandy's Album "Human" let me just say the song is really good WOW. i will post the lyrics after the blog just you get my thought behind this.....

So I'm closer to where i wanna be and were the grass is greener, he air is cleaner and my sol and heart is calmer. that's a stretch for me i know but i can't complain i mean i could but i won't because life is what you make it and lately i have made some hiccups on my journey and that sucks because what we give we get back on us. So maybe I'm not and angel but i know I'm not a demon either. I do what i must because sometimes it calls for it be it good or bad and you just have to take the reaction from your loved ones. You know to constantly feel a certain way or be in a certain state of mind is not great for you especially if its not good for you. So on another note Human what does it mean to be human not perfect not complete not whole just pieces to a puzzle of existence. I looked up Human or Homo Sapient in the dictionary and it doesn't say we don't lie or make mistakes or fall short or finish the race. So what does it take to go farther be better feel come whole i lover a friend, music, mirrors, dance, laughing, crying etc. who knows maybe its one of these maybe its all of these, all i know it sucks when your less then who you wanna be i read a quote before i thought to right this and it reads "LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE ITS YOUR LAST, BECAUSE ONE OF THESE DAYS IT WILL BE." i love that because you never know the day will come when you on your way HOME so please understand when I am loud or i lie or i get out of control or fall short or need space or talk too much or feeling quiet or all over the place I'M ONLY HUMAN. If its so hard to be apart of my web of intrigue i call my life then by all means you know how to not text or call so don't. Life is way to short to sweat the small shit trust me i can't deal in maybes or i hope, From now on LIFE will be a Breath of fresh Air everyday because i can't afford to Die 2-morrow without living my life to it's fullest because after all I'm only HUMAN.....

HUMAN -BRANDY

I've said sorry over a thousand times

Is there anything to say to you to help you dry your eyes?

I would make it all better if I could, I'll help you realize

I cry when you cry, I hurt when you hurt

I make mistakes but I can't turn back time

(I'm only human)

Forgive me

(I'm only human)

Love me

(I'm only human)

Save me, save me from myself

(I'm no super woman)

Embrace me

(I'm fragile and broken)

You're just like me (oh)

I'm perfectly human

I might just tell a lie

I'm perfectly human

But I'm an angel in disguise

I'm staring in the mirror and a stranger's looking back

What are you afraid of, girl? The future or the past?

If you wanna see inside of me all you have to do is ask

I cry when you cry, I hurt when you hurt

I've made mistakes but I can't turn back time

Maybe what tears us apart is what brings us back together

And everything that makes us different really brings us closer

Could you hold me (for a little while)?

Could you love me (without a doubt)?

I need you, I need you

(I'm only human)

Forgive me

(I'm only human)

Love me

(I'm only human)

Save me, save me from myself

(I'm no super woman)

Embrace me

(I'm fragile and broken)

You're just like me (oh)

I'm perfectly human

I might just tell a lie

I'm perfectly human

But I'm an angel in disguise

We're only human (perfectly human, oh)

We might just have a life

I'm perfectly human (oh, oh)

But I'm an angel in disguise

Energy & Dreaming (06-14-2009)

2010-10-13T05:40:00.001-07:00

Energy & Dreaming

So I thought about this title for a while because it's one of my favorite songs now by Keri Hilson. Hot track!!! & A old School song by Vanessa Williams HOTT.

Energy it effects all that we do and all that we are if our energy is low we suck at life that day, unproductive and lazy. But if the energy is High shit gets done you breeze through a long day quickly and its a little more enjoyable. Dreaming can be fun and exciting to dream your on cloud 9 soaring through the sky, or maybe not so fun in a nightmare or sorts. I feel as if this is all on you your choice on weather your energy is low or high or if your dream is good or bad. I know i beat this concept to death but life is a Sum of choices you make. My energy is as a direct result of what i did the night before or the morning of. Me Dreaming has to do with what I am holding on to in my life or in my mind and not letting it out on paper or telling that person or people whats on my mind or heart.

So basically i feel lie i hold to much in and i have nightmares about the choices i have to make because i part of me loves conflict but majority of me don't need it in my life. And in holding all this shit in i have such low Energy when it comes to basic things. It upsets me because so many things need to be said but no is willing to listen that's why i must take this "Life" that is mine and mine alone and be truthful with myself before i can be honest with anyone else. My Energy has been amazing lately and yet it hasn't been stress drains you and makes you lazy and too tired to do the simplest things. If i woke up out of my sleep with something on my mind i never voiced it because what if i piss off a friend or family? I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE yeah i said it i think the last 23 years i have done what i was told i have lived for most everyone else but me and i have been upset I don't wanna do this or do that or go here or there or be nice some days. They say you never know what type of day someone had so always be nice, but does the same occur for my bad days NO Tim is expected to be on 24/7 no matter what and that is draining my ENERGY and I'm not DREAMING the dreams i should be dreaming. SO i declare that this SHIT stops now. My Energy and Life needs to keep in a upward motion and when i get pulled down or pissed and my energy is slowly gone I need to replenish it from who? FRIENDS: ONLY CALL WHEN SOMETHINGS WRONG FAMILY: HA WE KNOW HOW FAMILY IS. true friends are always there no matter what and real family cares when its hard to care.

My ENERGY is getting there slowly daily, me DREAMING is coming along well i have my moments but i need to say ENOUGH!!!! when i change my number or relocate please if i don't contact you take the hint.. OK now that's out the way i wish everyone i great rest of the year and know that if someone or something is zapping your energy and causing you not to dream big "simply walk up behind them and stab the back" not I kidding "Run them over at 60 mph" no " Push them down i Flight of steps" or

" SMILE AND WALK AWAY FOREVER"

Roll The Credits (05-12-2009)

2010-10-13T05:28:00.000-07:00

Hahahahaha i thought long and hard on this title, one because its a cool new song, and two i like the premise... ( I will Explain)

OK well first Life is going GREAT, I am in a place were things don't get under my skin as much anymore. Life is too short to be upset with small shit i got to the point in my Lil 23 years were i want no BS and no things in my way to piss my world off. I <3 the things that work or don't work because you gotta take the good with the bad. Um the "roll the credits" theme is awesome i feel because if something is not working in your favor then ROLL THE CREDITS finish the movie with that situation or person or event and keep going. I ROLL THE CREDITS nightly sometimes i just need to start a fresh and not let it go to bed with me angry. For me lately i need some solitude some Tim time but i can't seem to find it anywhere and i need to just make it happen. the people i hang with the things i do all of that needs to be because i wanna do it not because i feel i have too. I'm not going to have people stay with me i really don't vibe with just because I'm going to ROLL THE CREDITS and tell them keep it moving and it was nice knowing them but i can't live for someone else Happiness when i am not happy. If someone @ work is being a Lil bitch about something as stupid as swing positions SMILE and ROLL THE CREDITS and as they cont talking you just look at them seeing that you produced most of this because you let it go this far. With every aspect of my life i need to not Produce so much of the negative circumstances and just MOVE ON. Vegas is an interesting place i love to hate it hate i love it so much. And i feel so much of my time here i have to explain why i can't go here or there with people and that i am not 15 people if i don't wanna go nowhere why is that a problem i need some time to myself or with people i wanna hang with at that moment. I don't wanna come off rude but my life is going to keep going if your in it or not so please let's stop thinking just because i have known you a long time were friends or just because i don't hang out with you for a couple weeks i hate you or being fake, JOCELYN, SHANAYL, BRYAN, BRIAN. JASON, ABBY know that months can go by without talking to each other and when we do talk it's like no time has passed that's the life i have and either you with it or ROLL THE CREDITS....

I can't stress enough LIFE is the direct sum of choices you make. i think i have made quite a few bad ones but i make up for them daily and there is some out there that i still did to close and finish the title so i can ROLL THE CREDITS, but trust me a part of me is trying to hold it in because i can't say things when i am angry because they will come out worse then i want them to. So for know know that if i like u i like u and if not i don't rule your world don't lose sleep if we don't talk because i sure as hell ain't. I love that i love my life and the path i have and been on has been so blessed and i thank all of you both good and bad influences because i have to learn from my mistakes and as well has cherish my accomplishments on all levels work, home, love, fitness so for most this as been a great movie and i want to hold the credits till the end and hopefully that's so far down the line but for the rest i will fast forward to the end so quickly and

ROLL THE CREDITS

Apple & Cinnimon (04-16-2009)

2010-10-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

choices or the right ones and you will be where you need to be to

fulfill your purpose. Well I feel like since i moved to this end of the

country life in my eyes have gotta SOOOOOOOOOO much Bigger. I get it i

feel like i understand why people are the way they are they are scared

or guarded or settled in a routine or perpetually falling from grace. I

BS i actually BS like the best of them i can talk my way out of Hell,

not a talent I am Proud of but in this society and this business i felt

like i needed to be because i will tell you all you need to know if you

come at me the right way but so many people think i am automatically

there Cinnamon i go where they go do what they do and for the longest

Fu*k in time i did exactly that whatever they wanted and well i realized

what the hell am i doing sitting here back seat driving in my life. I

needed to make a stand and for me 4.0 was my STAND, NO it was my new

way of life i hate that i have wasted so much time on assholes and

selfish people that i missed why i did what i did and still do what i

do, and one day i awoke to see i was a vanishing image of the man i

wanted to be and i had to get back to that quickly before i lost

forever what i needed out of my life's Story. My story was always so

simple Enjoy every min of life and along the way travel the world dance

and well fall in love and have kids. Now i felt like a needed a

intervention and unlike most i don't need 50 people telling me what to

do i made the choice to get my Apple and keep it moving. i Needed to get

back what i had almost lost Tim, so i think Apple & Cinnamon is a

slogan to me and i see as this " APPLE & CINNAMON: FIND YOUR MATCH

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THIS PLACE". But for some people its not another

person for some there pet is the match or BFF or their career it is all

in what makes you complete. So by all means understand that it won't

happen over night but it will happen and it will GREAT to be full of

whatever makes your apple or cinnamon work. I thought if i was mean and

an ass i would be satisfied with that but i think i just need to not

hold my tongue is i hate something or didn't wanna do something and not

be so Available to everyone all the time so i can have time to sort out

Tim's Life with out sorting out friends i don't even talk to or people

i waste energy BS ing with.

So in closing i feel my Cinnamon is still out there and i love the

journey to get to it and along the way if friends or family fall off my

path well SHIT HAPPENS in the words of Dane Cook " NO ONE GIVES A FUCK

IS YOUR SAD" i will keep it moving so either we ride this ride of life

together or you get off and no love lost thanks for the

memories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I <3 loving U!!!

HALO (03-30-2009)

2010-10-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

HALO

i know such a random title for me but i feel like that word has been in my life the last couple of weeks for some unexplained reasons.. So first i will ell u the different places or events then my theory. so PLEASE bare with me......

I love the video game Halo but Halo 3 was suppose to be the last game and i am nor going to lie i was pissed i was like well BOO that sucks then the end of Feb roll around and the new Game Magazine comes out and they preview new games and one of which is Halo Wars an old school strategy game with Halo concept and well 2009 graphics and i got on cloud 7 not nine not yet at lease. So March 3rd roll around and of course my broke ass was there even though i had no money i charged the game WOW. So i get home and i put my Itunes on shuffle that upcoming Friday(DAY OFF) and play Halo Wars I'm super excited in a geek way and the first song that drops on the play list is HALO by the pussycat Dolls which is a hot track and i start laughing an then look around like is this a sign. Any who i play the game and still freaking out about the Double Halo thing happening so i let it pass me an cont my life..

Next: rolls around this random Monday the 15th and I am chilling clearly sleep and my itunes plays Halo by Beyonce and i really don't like her everyone knows it but i love this song and others so i listen to it and play it again and again listening to what the Halo she talking about and i get it but i am not there in my life so i get it pushing. well that night me and Lahela go out and we at our little spot and she goes "Tim u wanna go to a club?" I'm thinking yeah so i get the energy go out which i hadn't been to a club in a good min so we go to PH and walk up to Prive and on the speakers they are playing Halo and i am like i think i heard this song and my dumb ass had heard it all day but put 2-2 together. so we get in and Ice Cube is preforming and i have no idea his music but love it LOL. so i c randoms (So i thought)i look up and i c 3 ppl so i think i know them and sure as shit i do and it is awesome seeing old faces. so i catch up with them and i get the Halo thin g because to my left in a hot black number this girl knows me and i am clueless and i realize 20min into our conversation in a loud club that she is grown from the girl that i knew so many years ago we connect and i give her my number and vice verse the END..

Not by a long shot so recently i have had amazing days in Vegas 3rd Row tickets to T.I. almost not having money for a cheesecake factory bill, random texts (But Funny), Laughing too much, shopping, Dying Hair and all of this with this woman who is GREAT. any who the best of all is doing all these fun ass activities and then both of us getting in touch with our INNER FAT SELF'S. Love it to bits and pieces. she is absolutely amazing, and to behaving like grown children in public is awesome. But i still think what does this have to do with Halo...

Here is my theory i believe we are here for different purposes and some paths can't cross and won't work out because life changes u for good or for bad. Like i thought 6 months ago and for years my career could never allow me happiness a woman because my friends and career came first. and recently i ran into someone who laughs and the randomness that is Tim and makes me laugh which is rare. and loves eating so much food like me if not more because most dancers are so greedy lol, oh and did you catch the end a dancer who gets it. but enough about that. Halo Halo Halo i think it is the songs but Beyonce song was originally for Leona Lewis but she couldn't record it that quick. the music behind the PCD song and Beyonce said one thing to me LIVE and Live Life and i get it no one is perfect but when u meet someone who makes you feel good all the time keep them around even as friend. I am no angel but my Halo is bright because i ran into someone who don't give two shits that its not Bright and perfect and likes i am random.....

Now Life is hard and trying for me and everyone around me but its good to see that even though all this downward slope in todays life that there is a gret expierence happening with 2 ppl who just enjoy laughing and being inner fat ppl becuz on the surface we HOT LOL.... anywho i am done now i just wanted to write about Why Halo has been on my mind..

I Bruise Easily (02-22-2009)

2010-10-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

Omg it has been a good minute since u guys got to listen to my beautiful words of nothing or something..... (So lets make it worth while Ur wild)!

I BRUISE EASILY

Not easy but quite easily done, to bruise could me literally i freak in bruise easily don't punch, pinch, hit, slap, kick me. first that shit hurts and second i mean seriously i may bruise. But that could also mean so many more things lets just start with the one that came first to my head EMOTIONAL Bruises wow now that for me is a HUGE one but i think for anyone its a big one, because i think it is the longest lasting in my eyes because i get some ice or medication and my physical bruises fade and go away but with those damn emotional scars and bruises they are like the cough it never really goes away although u wish it could. When someone hurts your feeling or rejects u or just literally effects your mood in a negative way kinda bruises you and u gotta learn to deal and move forward because if we can't forgive and heal "we are no better then the beast that are at are Door"(Underworld: Rise of the Lycans). Sorry that was a great line but 4real i think Bruises are worse then scars because scars heal but bruises just fade and leave such lasting effects. I have tons of bruises but i think i was so used to them that they just were like second skin and now i feel like i pick the bruises i want on me which is so sad i know right. Too nice too forgiving to mean to loud to TIM i understand none especially the last i mean really how could i not be me and still be me? Think About that....

Next i need you all to realize I am HAPPY and i Rarely get upset with BS, but what pisses me off is Bitter, Jaded, tainted people LOL i am one of those well i was and now my eyes are open to more possibilities and life in general i feel like i have taken for granted some of the best moments in my life you know you can go to a remote island or climb a mountain or even pee on my sky diving instructor(which was comedy). but i feel like you look at these pics of these amazing experiences and you can only share through word of mouth I came back home and saw so so many of my girls that i was so excited to see again and trying to explain my love of Vegas to them was hilarious but to hear that they too are enjoying life meant so much to hear i was so glad to hear that they are finding their way. i was pleasantly surprised that things were good here, i feel like life is happening for all my friends and now i can say YEAH they happy and yet sad because i don't think they will need me anymore. i mean my friend all around the world are moving forward and that is such a blessing i pray for them so much that they find there way. this song i cut up so y'all could read the lyrics.

It's I WISH by Heather Headley

I’d give you the moon

But you’d never the warmth of the sunshine

I’d give you the world

But exactly what would that do

I’d promise you wings to fly

But how would you ever learn to run

So I wish you all you need

To be than I could be

This is what I wish for you

I wish you rainy days

So you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky

I wish you falling leaves

So you understand that seasons change

And if I gave you the mountains

Would you learn to climb?

I pray you’ll always see

The forest through the trees

This is what I wish for you

I wish you ocean breeze

And rivers that bring you everything you need

I wish the air you breathe

Is all that you’ll ever need

And I wish you nights of love

And days of joy

And shoulders when you cry

And just enough hellos

To get you through goodbye

This is what I wish for you

I wish you everything you need...............

I am so glad she dropped this song it reminds me of the prayers i put out there for all my friends near and far and now that they are good where do i fit in am I left in the dark by myself or do i move pass this or do i accept this as a big Bruise and let be it heal. I wanna think differently but it is so hard to say WOW i helped someone but now am I left behind but not really my life is on a fast moving mountain upward. thank GOD i made it this far with them and with each passing moment time is slowly slipping away so i try my best to enjoy it. But i guess what i am saying is Bruises fade injuries heal, love is lost pain is always around but Life is Short so Live it Full and Happy and please have no regrets. If i had to say i had one regret it would be Not saying I LOVE Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hot & Cold (12-12-2008)

2010-10-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: May offend or Amuse so read with caution.... OK it's been a min or two since i posted anything, I have not been uber busy or uber bored i feel like i have just been here. And a part feel like its OK and a part feel like i am just letting life pass me by. I love it here it has been a journey just to say that, alot of growth alot of grieve just alot. Jubilee is good big cast big costumes big sets so just big. Very separate and yet very close it's all in who u connect yourself with, I'm a loner and a people person all in the same time. I love my music everyone knows that and then i love to talk to my co-workers some of which i am glad to call my friend but i want more. Me becoming selfish or driven or wanting more, i want more for my life i need to do more see more be more. Life is a struggle and sometimes you can't win the battle but the war still to come and trust me I'm getting prepared. I think that life puts thing in front of you i feel i need more outlets shit happens and more so then i like i find myself angry more then usual. I think its because i find solitude and comfort in my music and movies by myself, But i miss the warmth of someone next to me but i need to be with someone i choose and not by connivance but because i like the inner person........ Anyhow things is WOW. i think i feel i love life but i worry that the things i can't control. But Some amazing news if you know me or if you don't i love the moon and if you read this tonight it is the biggest Moon and clearest view of the moon in 15 years so go out and look. Another thing caring for friends a close of friend of mine blogs alot like me and i was loving his latest entry and it made me think my friends are going through life like me in different ways. struggles hurt love lost and just change and some i can't be there for them in ways i wanted to and that sucks. For me to know my heart and soul is going through the same shit the are and it makes me smile that we can be there for each other, I must rest my eyes its my day off and i think i will need to write another before 2009. So in closing i need to be honest I'm me take it or PLEASE leave it alone, i need to be me all the time and understand that I'm loud and sometimes I'm completely quiet. Know that its not you so don't take offense if i don't call everyday or text or speak to.. My question is do u try? do you put yourself out there? do you wonder why I'm quiet or loud? inquire about me and i will inquire about you. SO ENJOY CHRISTMAS AND :-) :-D LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO CARE!!!!! (take it how you want it)